These words have stirred deep emotions for me. I find myself in relationships that no longer make sense, and in fact are downright confusing to me! I ask myself what’s different? It’s me! I’m different!
I have put other’s comfort, self worth and joy before my own for decades, telling myself ‘I can take it.’ Even getting a little dopamine hit from feeling like I was a ‘good girl’, and of service to others needs. (This is how I was raised to be.)
“They” need kindness/ patience/ love - I never considered the cost it had to my own wellbeing.
I realize now, attention to others needs was space I held in what seemed like infinite space. At 56, that space is full. If I’m honest, it has been for years. Life gets harder as time feels like a vice on my ability to reach my own goals & desired potential. And only now do I understand that ‘infinite’ is what surrounds me, in the ideas I have, the paths I choose, the projects I undertake and the supportive, reciprocal relationships I forge, it’s not held in any type of ‘space’ inside or out.
This post has reminded me of the power we all hold to surround ourselves with joy, love and support, great thoughts to take with me moving forward .🙏❤️
I love this post and this space, especially as I find myself joining the ranks of women beyond our childbearing years. Yet I feel that this space of older women is where the birthing and re-birthing of what our world needs is possible.
Thank you so much for writing this! I’m 24 and very actively working to not always just be “nice” all the time bc it hasn’t done the good I was told it would
"but it’s also filled with older women who are really just tired of everyone’s shit.*"
In wildlife study, we call it "scat." One of the moms of our environmental science co-op - only in her 30s, but will one day be an epic hag - said the motto for our team should be, "We know our scat!"
Sharon, I love this post! At sixteen I was looking forward to being the older woman who could say and do what I wanted. At 60, it is everything I dreamed of.
>“From the beginning of our perimenopausal years, the hormones that are associated with what we think of as ‘feminine qualities’ – relationality, emotion, the drive to nurture and to avoid conflict – are in serious decline. And so, as we pass through menopause and grow into elderhood, we’re likely to have considerably less patience with those who are economical with the truth or who try to take advantage of us, and we suffer fools much less gladly. After decades of taking care of others or of deference towards them, we begin to realise that the maintenance of their happiness and self-esteem at the cost of our own is no longer our raison d’être. Being nice is no longer a life goal.”
This explains SO MUCH. Post hysterectomy (and removal of one ovary) for endo and adeno I entered a weird state of early menopause that switched back to what I am in now which is a weird sort of perimenopause. I have been significantly less willing to deal with the world’s bullshit ever since—and I was already pretty unwilling.
To be fair, the series of events that happened before and after didn’t help in that regard given my surgery happened in February of 2020.
But it’s my lack of drive and tolerance for “here, let me take care of everything for the entire family” in everyday situations that has surprised me. I used to feel the need to do it all the freaking time. Not so much anymore 😬
Many thanks, Sharon! I have bought and read two of your books (If Women Rose Rooted and The Enchanted Life) very much enjoy your work on myth and how it speaks to our times. Motherhood got rid of much of my 'nice'; I have already had enough of a lot of other people's shit. Let's see where menopause takes me...
Good luck getting your manuscript finished and bright Beltaine blessings to you.
Having only recently left the fires of menopausal rage and finally floating in the ever deepening warm waters of menopause I am amazed and enchanted by how my internal landscape has shifted - thank you for reflecting this back and for all your magnificent writing, how blessed we all are by the words of Wise Women like you.
I am still in my 40s, but this article stirs me – with determination and gratitude – for the nuances articulated here. My 'niceness' has always, (in memory) embarrassed me. I have shamed it, shunned it, cursed it and rebelled against it with various punky, bitchy, pseudo-intimidator personas.
When I entered my 40s, I felt a heavy skin coming off - and I thought it was all of that carefulness. After the death of my father and a compounding avalanche of unsavory reality checks, I lost control and became a torrent of unbridled and mostly unedited grief and rage.
It's a slippery thing: finding acceptance for that compulsion to manipulate (which is what the niceness for me actually is) and the seething rage, (a long story) – without allowing either of them to possess me. I aspire to hold to the respect I want reciprocated, but not fall into that subtler trap of quickly re-negging or qualifying at the faintest hint of some pushback or criticism. Oh jeez. So many layers.
Now that I'm an octogenarian, I no longer have to work to drop 'being nice'...when the situation calls for it, Baba Yaga shows up in a direct, no bullshit way.
Hi, I’m a paid subscriber & would like to access the hearth posts to read the temenos series. How do I do this please as at the bottom of the intro it just says only available to paid subscribers but no link. Thanks.
Lynn, you should see an 'upgrade to founding member' button at the top right of the web page if you go to any page of my Substack on the web. e.g. https://sharonblackie.substack.com/
Hi, tried this via link you gave here…I don’t use a pc only iPad so maybe different layout? But just a link to subscribe to the hearth which when I put my email in says I’m already subscribed. No link at top right to get to founding member of the hearth. I’d send screenshot but not sure how to get a photo on the post here!
Ah, further to my comment above…just checked emails…from the email sent I got to code to sign in & saw that my subscription is basic at I think £52 but to get the hearth would need to upgrade to£120 per year, so with my current subscription temenos isn’t available.
That was such a refreshing read! I wish someone had told me not to be so nice earlier on in life. I find really amusing that my husband has started telling me to be nice now 🤣
These words have stirred deep emotions for me. I find myself in relationships that no longer make sense, and in fact are downright confusing to me! I ask myself what’s different? It’s me! I’m different!
I have put other’s comfort, self worth and joy before my own for decades, telling myself ‘I can take it.’ Even getting a little dopamine hit from feeling like I was a ‘good girl’, and of service to others needs. (This is how I was raised to be.)
“They” need kindness/ patience/ love - I never considered the cost it had to my own wellbeing.
I realize now, attention to others needs was space I held in what seemed like infinite space. At 56, that space is full. If I’m honest, it has been for years. Life gets harder as time feels like a vice on my ability to reach my own goals & desired potential. And only now do I understand that ‘infinite’ is what surrounds me, in the ideas I have, the paths I choose, the projects I undertake and the supportive, reciprocal relationships I forge, it’s not held in any type of ‘space’ inside or out.
This post has reminded me of the power we all hold to surround ourselves with joy, love and support, great thoughts to take with me moving forward .🙏❤️
I love this post and this space, especially as I find myself joining the ranks of women beyond our childbearing years. Yet I feel that this space of older women is where the birthing and re-birthing of what our world needs is possible.
Amazing, witty, wise and spot-on article. I love it.
Thank you so much for writing this! I’m 24 and very actively working to not always just be “nice” all the time bc it hasn’t done the good I was told it would
"but it’s also filled with older women who are really just tired of everyone’s shit.*"
In wildlife study, we call it "scat." One of the moms of our environmental science co-op - only in her 30s, but will one day be an epic hag - said the motto for our team should be, "We know our scat!"
Perfect!
Sharon, I love this post! At sixteen I was looking forward to being the older woman who could say and do what I wanted. At 60, it is everything I dreamed of.
Love this! Glad Marya pointed me your way!
Hello! How lovely. Now I'm going to have to read your vanlife posts ... :-)
🥰
>“From the beginning of our perimenopausal years, the hormones that are associated with what we think of as ‘feminine qualities’ – relationality, emotion, the drive to nurture and to avoid conflict – are in serious decline. And so, as we pass through menopause and grow into elderhood, we’re likely to have considerably less patience with those who are economical with the truth or who try to take advantage of us, and we suffer fools much less gladly. After decades of taking care of others or of deference towards them, we begin to realise that the maintenance of their happiness and self-esteem at the cost of our own is no longer our raison d’être. Being nice is no longer a life goal.”
This explains SO MUCH. Post hysterectomy (and removal of one ovary) for endo and adeno I entered a weird state of early menopause that switched back to what I am in now which is a weird sort of perimenopause. I have been significantly less willing to deal with the world’s bullshit ever since—and I was already pretty unwilling.
To be fair, the series of events that happened before and after didn’t help in that regard given my surgery happened in February of 2020.
But it’s my lack of drive and tolerance for “here, let me take care of everything for the entire family” in everyday situations that has surprised me. I used to feel the need to do it all the freaking time. Not so much anymore 😬
Many thanks, Sharon! I have bought and read two of your books (If Women Rose Rooted and The Enchanted Life) very much enjoy your work on myth and how it speaks to our times. Motherhood got rid of much of my 'nice'; I have already had enough of a lot of other people's shit. Let's see where menopause takes me...
Good luck getting your manuscript finished and bright Beltaine blessings to you.
Having only recently left the fires of menopausal rage and finally floating in the ever deepening warm waters of menopause I am amazed and enchanted by how my internal landscape has shifted - thank you for reflecting this back and for all your magnificent writing, how blessed we all are by the words of Wise Women like you.
Thank you. Turns out being nice and avoiding conflict is bad for your health, being linked to emotional and physical illness.
I am still in my 40s, but this article stirs me – with determination and gratitude – for the nuances articulated here. My 'niceness' has always, (in memory) embarrassed me. I have shamed it, shunned it, cursed it and rebelled against it with various punky, bitchy, pseudo-intimidator personas.
When I entered my 40s, I felt a heavy skin coming off - and I thought it was all of that carefulness. After the death of my father and a compounding avalanche of unsavory reality checks, I lost control and became a torrent of unbridled and mostly unedited grief and rage.
It's a slippery thing: finding acceptance for that compulsion to manipulate (which is what the niceness for me actually is) and the seething rage, (a long story) – without allowing either of them to possess me. I aspire to hold to the respect I want reciprocated, but not fall into that subtler trap of quickly re-negging or qualifying at the faintest hint of some pushback or criticism. Oh jeez. So many layers.
Now that I'm an octogenarian, I no longer have to work to drop 'being nice'...when the situation calls for it, Baba Yaga shows up in a direct, no bullshit way.
Thank you for this great newsletter.
Hi, I’m a paid subscriber & would like to access the hearth posts to read the temenos series. How do I do this please as at the bottom of the intro it just says only available to paid subscribers but no link. Thanks.
Lynn, you should see an 'upgrade to founding member' button at the top right of the web page if you go to any page of my Substack on the web. e.g. https://sharonblackie.substack.com/
Hi, tried this via link you gave here…I don’t use a pc only iPad so maybe different layout? But just a link to subscribe to the hearth which when I put my email in says I’m already subscribed. No link at top right to get to founding member of the hearth. I’d send screenshot but not sure how to get a photo on the post here!
Ah, further to my comment above…just checked emails…from the email sent I got to code to sign in & saw that my subscription is basic at I think £52 but to get the hearth would need to upgrade to£120 per year, so with my current subscription temenos isn’t available.
be nice when it is time to not be nice.
That was such a refreshing read! I wish someone had told me not to be so nice earlier on in life. I find really amusing that my husband has started telling me to be nice now 🤣